Poisoned Cookies

The god of riddles stood still.

“What am I?” Sun-hop asked, twirling around in a circle while spinning his stick.

“Uh. What was the riddle again?” The god of riddles mumbled.

“Oh. You need to hear it again? The god that doesn't know riddles but IS riddles needs to hear the riddle again? Aren’t you the riddle? How could you possibly forget yourself? You’re right there, aren’t you? Don't you know the answer? Isn’t the answer part of you?” Sun-hop rattles off this barrage of questions while doing a backflip.

“Uh… I've never heard this one before, I don't think. I can’t remember it. Maybe.” The god of riddles managed to say between shallow breaths.

“Oh. He hasn't heard this one before… he doesn't think. Ha! You are no god of riddles. If you were you would know the answer! It is I who is the god of riddles. Give up! Admit your defeat. Kneel before me!” Sun hop stood on one foot and balanced his stick on the pad of his thumb.

The god of riddles turned bright red. “JUST TELL ME THE RIDDLE AGAIN!”

“When mine is done, I am yours. I am back and forth because we can't all go at once. Besides being the real god of riddles, and you being a fake, what am I?” Sun-hop said, continuing to balance on one foot, and now bouncing his stick up and down on his thumb.

“Did you just make that up?” The god of riddles asked, his hands shaking.

Sun-hop flung the stick up in the air and caught it on the tip of his nose. “What difference does that make? It's a riddle. This is a duel. Answer it or lose. Those are the rules. There’s no rule about making it up or not making it up. It’s a riddle.”

The god began to shake all over. “You… can't… just… make... up… a riddle. That's… that's… not fair. You've… got to… have heard… it from… someone else.”

Sun-hop grabbed the stick off his nose and did a cartwheel. “Not fair? Are you the ruler, who measures all? Are you the rule giver, who dispenses law? No. You are the fake god of riddles. Now answer the riddle, fake god, or crawl away in shame.”

The god of riddles fell to his knees and began to cry. Sun-hop used his stick to wipe the tears away. “Do you give up?” The god of riddles laid down on the ground and moaned. Sun-hop patted him gently on the head. “Do you give up?”

All the other gods began to whisper to one another.

“He's lost.”

“I don't know the answer.”

“Do you know the answer?”

“The monkey in white must be the true god of riddles.”

“That one in black is done for.”

Noople whispered in Sun-hop’s ear. “I think you've got him. But what's the answer?”

The god of riddles lifted his head from the ground. “I quit. You win. I must know the answer to your riddle.”

“When mine is done, I am yours. I am back and forth because we can't all go at once. What am I? I am a turn.”

Everyone gasped and then laughed. Of course. It was so obvious. A turn. The answer was a turn. When my turn is over, it is your turn. Turns go back and forth because everyone can't go at the same time.

“We've wasted enough time here.” The real god of arrows said and waved her hand dismissively toward the crying god of riddles. “Let us move toward the orchard, build some archery targets, and discredit this false goddess of arrows!” She tromped off toward the apple trees.

Noople and Doughnut hustled after her. The crowd of gods, mumbling in excitement, followed along. Sun-hop looked at the still crying god of riddles and offered him a hand up. “Don't sweat it, brother. I can teach you to make up your own riddles. You can be a riddling improv machine in no time. Creativity is all about just relaxing and letting your ideas flow free.”

The weeping god wiped his tears away and stood up. “Really? You'd still help me?”

Sun-hop nodded. “Sure. All you gotta do is pick me a couple of those god apples and I'll teach you the secrets of making up your own riddles on the spot.”

The god sniffled. “I don't know. That's against the rules and if the cloud Empress finds out she’d cut off my head and make cookies from my ears.”

“That's a very strange and specific form of punishment. But don't worry, all the gods are busy over there setting up the archery competition.” Sun-hop pointed over to the gaggle of figures surrounding Noople, Doughnut, and the goddess of arrows. “Look, even the cloud Empress is there, presiding over the whole event. Nobody will notice. Your ears will be fine.”

So the two figures wearing riddle covered suits walked to the far side of the orchard. The god picked two apples and handed them to Sun-hop. The monkey quickly stowed the fruit in his backpack.

“Tell no one. Now you’ll teach me word flow skills?” The god asked, his lips quivering.

“Later. I’ll teach you that later.” Then, without waiting for a reply, Sun-hop leapt over to the archery challenge. The cloud Empress was standing on a column made of clouds. “I declare it to be a tie!”

The crowd roared with anger. “Rematch!”

Sun-hop looked at the targets. Both targets had 3 arrows stuck in the bullseye and then two more arrows in the ring outside the bullseye. There was only room enough for 3 arrows in the bullseye.

Sun-hop went over to talk to Noople.

“Stop right there, monkey!” The goddess of arrows said. “This is a competition between those who claim to be arrow deities, no riddling idiots.”

Sun-hop turned and sat down. “Of course. I was merely finding a new seat. He took out a piece of paper and started to write.

“Now what are you doing?” The goddess demanded.

“Writing a riddle, of course.” The monkey replied. “What else would a riddling idiot be doing?”

Everyone laughed. The targets were reset and the field was cleared. When the goddess of arrows was busy checking her bow, Sun-hop folded up the “riddle” into a paper airplane and threw it to Noople. Quickly, Noople unfolded it, read it, and then stuffed it in her backpack. She turned and gave Sun-hop a thumbs up. He smiled and returned the gesture.

“What manner of trickery is this?” The goddess of arrows asked, looking up from her weapon. “What conspiracy are you two false gods concocting?”

Sun-hop picked his teeth with his toothpick sized magic staff. “Just one real god, who has recently proven himself in a riddle competition, wishing a real goddess, who is about to prove herself in an archery competition, good luck in the form of a riddle.”

The goddess of arrows frowned.

“You wish this false goddess good luck! Ha! Luck is for the weak. Luck is for mortals, not gods! We gods simply are and simply do. You mortals and your luck.” The real goddess of arrows said. “You wishing her luck is more proof that she is no goddess. That they are no goddess. They are fools.” She pointed at Noople and Doughnut.

Sun-hop laughed. “Guess I won't wish you good luck, then.”

“I need none of it! I am arrows! I am the perfect shot. I am the unstoppable bowstring, the straight flight of the feathers! I need none of your luck.” The goddess said.

“Funny, that's pretty much what the crying black pant fake riddle loser said before I crushed him into a puddle of tear. I am riddles! Ha. He lost… and so will you. Too busy being pure to be able to flow.” Sun-hop made his stick the length of a pen and stuck it behind his ear.

The goddess of arrows snarled. “Time to do this!” She fired three arrows into the bullseye and then, because there was no more room in the bullseye, hit her other two arrows in the ring just outside the bullseye. “Another perfect round. I will never fail. These are the shots I will make from now until the end of the universe. These are the shots that I am. The shots are me. There is no changing it. You, false goddess, will fail eventually.” She shook her fist at Noople.

Noople started to shake nervously.

“You'll always do the same thing, goddess. That, is why you will lose.” Sun-hop said.

Noople took a deep breath. She fired one arrow into the bullseye. She took another breath. She fired her second arrow and it split her first arrow in half.

The crowd cheered. She had put one arrow inside of another. She took a breath and fired again. Again she split her arrow. She did it a fourth time. She did it a fifth time. She had five arrows in the bullseye. Five arrows all in the same place.

The goddess of arrows fell to the ground, her knees hitting the dirt with a hollow thud. “What… have… you...done?” She pounded the dirt with her fists. She stood back up. “You can't do that! There is room for three arrows in the bullseye. Three arrows! You can't put five arrows in the bullseye. That's two too many!”

Sun-hop walked over to the target. He counted the arrows. Four were split. One, the last arrow Noople had fired, was whole. “8 half arrows, which equals four whole arrows, and one whole arrow. Looks like maybe if you can't fit more than 3 whole arrows in the bullseye you can fit 8 half arrows and 1 whole arrow which equals five.”

The goddess stomped. “You… you monkey! Somehow you did this! You made her do that horrible arrow splitting thing. It was your idea! Not hers! I declare this competition null and void because this monkey… THIS MONKEY interfered. He threw her a riddle… that was no riddle! You cheated and threw her a note!”

Noople looked back and forth between her friend and the screaming goddess.

Sun-hop raised a hand. “Let's let the crowd do the work. Hey. Fellow gods. Cheer if you think Noople won, clap if you think the competition should be thrown out.”

There was a huge cheer from the gods. Sun-hop bowed and smiled.

The Empress leapt off her column of clouds and floated gracefully to the ground. “Bring the party outside!”

Guards hustled back to the castle and brought back the tables full of food and drink. While they were pouring sweat, the Empress smoothed her ceremonial silver dress and began a speech.

“Today we have seen the value of creativity and the downfall of arrogance! Let us not worry about the details of who is a god and who is not.” She gave Sun-hop, Doughnut, and Noople a sideways glance. “We declare, for the day, that these three clever mortals are bestowed with the right to pick our sacred panacea apples.” The Empress pointed gracefully to a discarded bucket than was laying toppled on its side. “Friends! You may fill that bucket as full as you wish.”

Sun-hop leapt over to the bucket and scooped it up. Doughnut flew into an apple tree and began tossing down fruit. Somewhere in the process of picking fruit, she managed to scratch her hand on a branch. It didn’t bleed but it left a painful red mark all the way down her arm.

Meanwhile, on the ground, Noople bowed gently to the Empress. “We appreciate your hospitality.”

The Empress nodded and yawned. “Yes. If you could return your stolen costumes before departing, that would be grand.”

Noople blushed and looked around in embarrassment. All the other gods were snacking and drinking. No one was watching or listening. “Wait. You knew all along?”

The Empress sighed. “Of course. But we didn’t want to spoil the fun, you know? Things can be so very dull when we live forever. We have to enjoy these rare moments of entertainment.”

Nooople scratched her head. “Very well.” She started to walk over toward her friends but then turned around again. “Thank you.”

The Empress had already joined the other gods in reverie.

After collecting their bucket of apples and returning their costumes, the three friends hopped on a magic cloud and zoomed back to the surface. They hopped off just outside the entrance to the monkey’s cave, where Noople and Doughnut had first arrived in Zinkadur.

The monkeys, seeing the flying cloud descending, had gathered on the rocky ground outside the cave and were cheering and hooting as their leader, Sun-hop, jumped off the cloud while holding the bucket full of god apples.

“Our promised treasure!” He handed the bucket to a pair of eager monkeys. “Go and make us some divine pie!”

Everyone laughed, and the apples were whisked away to be made into dessert. There was a flurry of activity in which everyone was swept away. Soon there was a feast with singing, dancing, and twice as much food as could possibly be eaten. Noople reached to grab a piece of pie and Sun-hop, reaching across a giant oaken dining table with his magic stick, smacked her hand.

“Before we eat, we must wash our hands!” Sun-hop smiled. “Bring forth the washing buckets!”

Ten barrels were brought forth. Five were filled with hot soapy water and five with warm clean water. Noople stood to wash her hands and once again, Sun-hop reached across the table and smacked her with his stick. She froze.

“Before we wash our hands, we must sing!” Sun-hop grinned.

Everyone stood and sang. Well, Noople and Doughnut didn’t know the words so they just hummed along as best they could.

What’s it all for?

What’s behind that final door?

Peace, prosperity, boredom, or oblivion?

Who knows? Who cares?

The feast is for those who dare

Not for those who fret and frazzle.

Let’s eat! Eat! Eat and repeat.

Everyone except Noople and Sun-hop rushed over to wash their hands. Noople looked cautiously at her friend.

“What are you waiting for?” The monkey said, picking his teeth with a toothpick sized version of his magic stick.

“Are you gonna hit me again if I go try and wash my hands?” Noople asked.

“Of course not, my dear friend.” He laughed, jumped on the table, and clambered across salads, meat platters, and cheese trays to stand by Noople. “You are free to do what you wish! Go eat! Repeat!” He looked around. “Don’t eat so much you fall asleep, though.”

After everyone washed their hands, the monkeys began to party like they’d never seen food before. They gasped in delight with every bite. They laughed and sang about how amazing the food was. Noople and Doughnut were careful not to eat too much but had to admit that everything was amazing.

At some point the two friends shared a piece of apple pie. It was, by far, the most amazing thing they had ever eaten. It was so good that they both burst into tears. “Think of how Poople will never get to taste this.”

“And the witch! She’ll never get to eat something this amazing.”

They sat there and cried for a few minutes, hugging each other and occasionally taking another bite.

“Hey.” Doughnut said. “My scratch is gone.”

Noople stopped crying. “Your scratch?”

“Yeah. I got scratched picking apples.”

Sun-hop walked over to them. “Yes, we too have discovered the magic healing powers of these god apples. Luckily, I saved this one from the kitchen.” He handed Doughnut an apple. “I have a feeling we may need the magic healing powers if we have to fight Stylus soon.”

Noople nodded and wiped away her tears. “Indeed. I think that a lieutenant of Stylus, a short lizard man named Grok, actually followed us here.”

Sun-hop smiled. “Excellent. I’m always ready for a fight, especially after a good meal.” He looked around. “Looks like everyone else has eaten too much and has begun to retreat into the cave to take naps! Weak little monkeys! Weak stomachs, all of you! Who taught you how to eat?” Sun-hop laughed and threw a wooden spoon at an exhausted pair of monkeys.

“And I think Stylus and Renald may actually be working together as well.” Noople explained.

“Excellent. The bigger the fight, the bigger the fun.” He pushed a table over and there was a huge crash of cups, plates, and food. Several monkeys who had fallen asleep on the ground leapt up and fled to the cave. “Let’s waste no time!”

Sun-hop sniffed the air. “Doughnuts!”

“What? I’m right here.” Doughnut said.

Noople giggled. “No. Actual doughnuts. Smells like chocolate glazed doughnuts!”

Sun-hop moved toward the smell. “With sprinkles.”

“What’s that buzzing sound?” Doughnut asked.

Noople and Sun-hop let their noses guide them toward the sweet smell.

“Guys? The buzzing?” Doughnut asked.

“They smell fresh!” Sun-hop said.

They found themselves in a field of old oaken stumps. Noople inhaled vigorously through her nostrils. “That stump! I think the smell is coming from that stump!” She pointed to a stump that looked like all the rest.

“The buzzing!” Doughnut yelled. “What is it?”

Noople and Sun-hop charged toward the scent of chocolate and sprinkles. They were stopped suddenly by an unseen sticky pool. “What?” Sun-hop yelled. “What is this goop that stops me from sweetness?”

Doughnut flew up and peered at her friend’s feet. They were stuck in a lake of glue. She turned around and flew back toward the cave.

“What? Doughnut! Where are you going! We’re stuck here. Could use your help, you know?” Sun-hop looked around. “Hey, Noople. Can you see the doughnuts from where you’re standing? Can you reach them?”

Noople tried moving her feet. “I can neither see them nor reach them.”

A silvery bug landed on Sun-hop’s arm. He swatted it away and screamed. “Woah! Now that is a serious bite. I mean, that thing took a chunk of flesh out of me.”

A silver cloud of bugs floated into view.

“That’s probably not a good sign, then.” Noople pointed at the swarm of insects.

The gleaming horde of flies got closer. Sun-hop swung his stick at them, with no results.

There was a great splash of soapy water from above. Doughnut had dumped two buckets of soapy water on her friends, diluting the glue at their feet. The bugs, who had been laser focused on the stuck monkey and the imprisoned cat seemed to lose interest immediately.

“Guess they only like stationary targets?” Sun-hop mused while running.

Noople shouted. “That tail! I’d recognize it anywhere!” She pointed far off in the distance where the stumps turned into trees. There was a red and black blur. “That’s Renald! He’s allied himself with Stylus.”

Sun-hop kept running, changing direction toward the fleeing fox. “One more villain to slay. Follow me, friends!”

Soon they were thick in a forest, chasing the trail and the tail of the fox. The sun began to set and then they were chasing the shadow and the rumor or the fox. When the stars came out, they were chasing nothing and were lost.

Noople pointed at some rocks lining a streak of padded down dirt. “Is that a path?”

Sun-hop nodded and immediately trod down the dark road. “Where it goes, nobody knows but there might be a villain at the end.”

Doughnut pointed at a rustic cabin up ahead. “Or a bed to sleep in.”

Sun-hop charged the door, his magic stick suddenly in his hands. He aimed the stick at the door like a battering ram and a great angry grin creased his face. “Smash! Bash! Open up!”

Doughnut flew out in front, dashing between the door and the charging monkey. “Wait! What if it is two nice old ladies in there?”

Stopping so fast he nearly fell on his face, Sun-hop frowned and shrank his stick down from battering ram size to cane size. With the end still pointing at the frail splintery wooden door, he knocked gently with his stick.

Two old ladies wearing blue dresses, covered with blue cloaks, and blue hoods opened the door. “Well hello, young people. Would you like some cookies?” One said. “And a bed to sleep in?” The other added in an oddly high pitched voice.

Sun-hop tapped his cane on the wooden porch. “Yes and yes! But a dinner first would be finest.”

The old ladies bobbed up and down, nodding continuously, and backed away from the door. “Come in, come in, young people.” One said. “We’ll make soup.” The other chimed in with a squeaky voice. They retreated deeper into the house, through a set of saloon doors and disappeared into the kitchen.

The three friends sat down on a plush green couch and told stories about the adventures they had when they first met. Doughnut hadn’t been there, but she had heard all the stories of course. Never the less, she was excited to hear some of the stories directly from Sun-hop, the stone monkey of Zinkadur.

After a while, the blue ladies returned with bowls of soup. They set the bowls on a heavy table and pushed it over to the couch. The ladies backed away, saying they had already eaten dinner and would start making the cookies. They retreated, once again, back to the kitchen.

“Isn’t it odd that they never turn around?” Noople asked.

Sun-hop ignored her question and went on telling the story of meeting the king of the swamp.

“I said, isn’t it unusual that we never see their backs?” Noople asked.

“That’s not what you said before.” Doughnut said and then right back to listening to Sun-hop’s story.

Noople shrugged and listened to the monkey. He was proud of his stories and always made them a little bit more exciting than they really had been. Which seemed silly, given the amount of demons they had fought and danger they had overcome when they had been searching for the magic pig detective. Still, they were good stories, despite being sort of untrue, so she listened and didn’t mention the old women again.

The small cabin began to smell like cookies. More and more sweet treats began to creep into Sun-hop’s stories. They were battle raccoon demons while eating chocolate bars. They were running from a raging forest fire while snacking on brownies. And of course, they were fighting Renald as they shared a plate of cookies.

“Then the fox leapt out from behind a tree, swinging his sword,” Sun-hop was shouting, waving his arms like he was wielding a weapon, and standing on the couch as the two old blue clad women shuffled in. He slammed his jaws shut, quickly sat down, and smiled. “Ah. The cookies are ready then. Perfect timing.”

“Oh, well. It sounds like you were in the middle of a story. Did you want to finish?” One of the ladies creaked.

“No, no.” He said, snatching a cookie from the plate and swallowing it whole. “It was pretty much over anyway. We won, in the end.” He grabbed another cookie. “Obviously.”

The ladies set the cookies down on the table and smiled. Noople stood up, pretended to stretch and secretly peeked around to see the backside of the two women. One had a fox tail sneaking out from under her dress. The other, a lizard tail.

“Well. Eat up. We will come back with some milk. You want milk, of course?” The other old lady croaked.

“Obviously.” Sun-hop said while spraying cookie crumbs everywhere.

Doughnut nodded silently as she chewed up her first treat.

The ladies grinned deeply and retreated carefully out the door. As soon as the two disappeared, Noople dove onto the couch and smacked the remainder of the cookie out of Doughnut’s hand. The ghost looked at her in horror.

Noople seized her friend by the chin. “That’s Grok and Renald incognito! The reason they never turned around is because they didn’t want us to see their tails. Those horrible snacks are probably filled with sleeping potion. Spit it out.”

Doughnut’s eyes drooped. “But they are so delicious,” she said as she fell asleep.

Noople whirled around. Sun-hop was already drooling and snoring.

The sound of laughter began to seep underneath the kitchen door.

Noople grabbed the magic apple from her pocket, bit off two tiny pieces and shoved one chunk in Doughnut’s mouth and another in Sun-hop’s. Nothing happened.

The laughs got louder.

Noople seized Sun-hop’s jaw with both hands and made him chew the apple. He swallowed and bolted awake immediately. She repeated the process for Doughnut and the ghost sprang awake. When she turned back to Sun-hop, he had already grabbed another cookie. She slapped it from his hand. A look of total terror came over his face.

The laughter had reached a storm-like level in the kitchen.

“Those old women in there are not old women. Those old women are Grok and Renald in disguise.” She pushed the rest of the cookies onto the lovely wooden floor. “And those cookies put you two to sleep. Let us depart. Now.”

They snuck out the door to the sounds of riotous laughter and knife sharpening.